Dear Cheese,
I have a confession to make. I’ve been living a lie. I once thought that I loved you. I told everyone about how great you were in and on any meal type I had planned thoughout the day.
My heart would skip a beat when I would read on a menu that you were going to make an appeance on my plate, be it in a pile of shredded wonderment or seemlessly hiding in the main course like a ninja.
But I’m not the only one to blame for this love lost. I have only seen one side of you for the past 19 years - until now.
Sure there have been times as a child when I would step away from my normal daily intake of a block of mild cheddar and journey to the realm of string cheesery. But It always let me down. You let me down. And yet I would try again.
Next I tried a more humble route. A cheese with a sutble flavor and a track record for being delicious amoung adults and children with sophisticated tastes - cottage cheese.
I quickly discovered I can only bare the undelightful combination of gritty milk clusters slathered in sour protein juice if and only if it is accompanied by a mouthful of the acidic flavors of pineapple. Pathetic.
Ever so recently I once again made my way over to the dairy aisle with hope of discovering a new cheese that would send my taste buds on a tanalizing adventure. Due to recent news articles and about 12 hours of watching the food network, I had enough information to know that feta cheese was all the rage - and fads always lead to the best things right? Right?
Right?
This expierence taught me to never eat feta cheese, follow fads, or read news articles.
(I don’t how you cajoled an entire nation to think that it is socially acceptable to put feta in salads, sandwhiches, or even cereals, but if you can manage that, I’m pretty sure that you have used some similar ‘cheese magic’ to convince me of wanting you atop all of my foods. Tisk tisk, but also, touche.)
But all this trial-and-error does not amount to the personal torture chamber I found myself locked in between the hours of 9 and noon last tuesday. Alas, the theme of my cooking class that day was cheese. And, being a previous advocate for you and your cheesy friends, I was excited. But after tasting an excuciating 14 or 15 cheese flavors later, I wanted to dump my stomach out like when a fashionista inverts her purse to find her eyeliner. Needless to say it didn’t end well.
Blue cheese? REALLY? Who has ever come up to you on the street and said:
“man, I like you, but you’re missing something……….MOLD!”
No one in the history of life enjoys eating mold. Stop it.
And I also got ahold of your old high school pal Limburger. Next time you see him let him know that if I ever want the inside of my mouth to smell like a swamp marinated sock, I’ll eat a swamp marinated sock.
So here I am at the end of this road knowing that I can only tolerate mild cheedar cheese only with the occasional Italian ninja cheese that I find lurking in my infinte intake of pasta.
Forever disillusioned,
Brie
P.S. Why couldn’t you at least make Brie cheese taste good?
I have a confession to make. I’ve been living a lie. I once thought that I loved you. I told everyone about how great you were in and on any meal type I had planned thoughout the day.
My heart would skip a beat when I would read on a menu that you were going to make an appeance on my plate, be it in a pile of shredded wonderment or seemlessly hiding in the main course like a ninja.
But I’m not the only one to blame for this love lost. I have only seen one side of you for the past 19 years - until now.
Sure there have been times as a child when I would step away from my normal daily intake of a block of mild cheddar and journey to the realm of string cheesery. But It always let me down. You let me down. And yet I would try again.
Next I tried a more humble route. A cheese with a sutble flavor and a track record for being delicious amoung adults and children with sophisticated tastes - cottage cheese.
I quickly discovered I can only bare the undelightful combination of gritty milk clusters slathered in sour protein juice if and only if it is accompanied by a mouthful of the acidic flavors of pineapple. Pathetic.
Ever so recently I once again made my way over to the dairy aisle with hope of discovering a new cheese that would send my taste buds on a tanalizing adventure. Due to recent news articles and about 12 hours of watching the food network, I had enough information to know that feta cheese was all the rage - and fads always lead to the best things right? Right?
Right?
This expierence taught me to never eat feta cheese, follow fads, or read news articles.
(I don’t how you cajoled an entire nation to think that it is socially acceptable to put feta in salads, sandwhiches, or even cereals, but if you can manage that, I’m pretty sure that you have used some similar ‘cheese magic’ to convince me of wanting you atop all of my foods. Tisk tisk, but also, touche.)
But all this trial-and-error does not amount to the personal torture chamber I found myself locked in between the hours of 9 and noon last tuesday. Alas, the theme of my cooking class that day was cheese. And, being a previous advocate for you and your cheesy friends, I was excited. But after tasting an excuciating 14 or 15 cheese flavors later, I wanted to dump my stomach out like when a fashionista inverts her purse to find her eyeliner. Needless to say it didn’t end well.
Blue cheese? REALLY? Who has ever come up to you on the street and said:
“man, I like you, but you’re missing something……….MOLD!”
No one in the history of life enjoys eating mold. Stop it.
And I also got ahold of your old high school pal Limburger. Next time you see him let him know that if I ever want the inside of my mouth to smell like a swamp marinated sock, I’ll eat a swamp marinated sock.
So here I am at the end of this road knowing that I can only tolerate mild cheedar cheese only with the occasional Italian ninja cheese that I find lurking in my infinte intake of pasta.
Forever disillusioned,
Brie
P.S. Why couldn’t you at least make Brie cheese taste good?
Hey!!!! I like blue cheese!!!! You should try it on top of a salad :-)
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