P Squareds

Yeah yeah yeah, you're looking at the title of this thinking I had a seizure while writing because it doesn't make any sense. Well SHUT UP because it does. P-squared is what I call things that irritate me, much like "pet peeves" but ironically, that phrase is something that irritates me so I shortened it to PxP or P-squareds. Get it? Great.

I enjoy most things in life and generally thank whatever created the universe for letting me live each and every day. But there are some things that make me want to surgically remove my ears or bluntly bash my eyes blind or render my olfactory nerve useless. Here's a short list of examples.

Also, this post containts no pictures so, sorry.

1) The smell of old people.

I love the elderly. They are like treasure chest of knowledge and wisdom nuggets that are distributed across the globe for me to discover and pluck of their intelligence before the world plucks them out of existence. I have been fortunate to know both sets of my grandparents as well as some of my great-grandparents and I even have chosen to follow in my Mudear's footsteps as a humanitarian of sorts. But with every superhero power there is a downfall and with the knowledge of a thousand books I guess you have to smell like a thousand armpits. I don't know if it’s the bengay or the denture gum that emits the Brie-repellant, but on some days I can't even bring myself to hug my relatives for fear of contracting the offensive odor. To give a better description of the scent, imagine a delicious peach being left out in the sun for an entire summer untouched with the exception of being basted with vinegar every other afternoon. Take that same fermented peach, juice it, and bottle it. Then sell it at your local department store under the name "White Diamonds."

2) People touching me

Each morning I have strict regimen of a 45-min shower, mainly consisting of me standing there, marinating in a moisturizer, followed by a skin hydration ceremony with three different types of lotions. I enjoy knowing that if Hannibal lecter used my skin as sweater material, he would confuse the texture of being that of a 600-thread count Egyptian cotton silk blend. But it would be difficult for him to obtain such an epidermal treasure because I hate people touching me. Maybe I was brought up with different morals, but hugging, cuddling, shoulder grazing, even space invasion, sends me into an anger spiral which may result in a brief human contact interaction with my fist and another’s face. I just don’t see why an audio conversation has to include social appropriate hand and small of the back molestation. Don't touch me unless I initiate!

3) An Interrupted Nap

When I take naps the world is at peace. Crime rates decrease; foods taste better, and once someone told me that gas went down to $1.50. I sleep so the rest of the world can enjoy a few hours of joy in the mid-to-late afternoon timeslot. So if you ever see me snoozing on a park bench or catching some zzz’s in a tree, just smile to yourself and go try and fill up your gas tank. You’re welcome world.

I also take naps because my recent energy intake has been low due to my college diet of eating all the food I buy at the grocery store in the first 3 days and then having to resort to being ‘inventive’ with things like saltine soup , honey butter sandwiches, and my all time favorite, rice plus anything casserole. There’s also this whole thing about how my blood refuses to absorb iron or carry the burden of lugging oxygen around my circulatory system because it’s cutting into its autobiography writing time or whatever. The point is if I don’t take naps, I will be as useful as a dead person, because I will in fact be dead.


But whatever you do, never ever NEVER attempt to wake me up. Why? because another thing that happens when I asleep is that my DNA make-up transforms into something similar to cross between a wolverine and a kangaroo who has recently been injected with pure testosterone. I lose consciousness and control of my body so I don’t particularly know what happens but I’m sure it does something like the following.  I once had a friend who did not know of my condition. All the cops could find of them was their shoelace, covered in blood. So try not to wake me up.


I'll try to wrap this up because I have a bunch more but am sick of typing. But three big ones on my list that are worth listing include people who don't read my website thingy, intolerance, and hypocrites. (Ha-ha, get it?)