Remember that time I used to write things here? Well, I sort of forgot I had classes to take. In an epic brain battle of deciding whether to become a super famous internet star or not dropping out of college, I choose the latter. Anyway, I wrote this a while back so the days might be weird.
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Hope you had a good day today. If not, this might cheer you up.
I got my first hangover last night at 11:47 pm on a Thursday. True story.
It gets worse. This wasn't caused by poor decisions with alcohol and lack of self control in an underage social scene. It was in my bed with a 32oz bag of candy accompanied by the latest episodes of The League and my oso pirata. Now let's back track this mofo titanic style! (I'm also very tired so please excuse this poor attempt at slang.)
Two years ago I found the holy grail of candies. It’s so fantastic, I made my own advertisement for it because it is pretty low key.
And this magic used to be available everywhere, in cornstate at least. To be honest, if I really sit down and think about it, this sweetened masterpiece might contribute to 23% of the reason why I choose to go to school here. You just can't find quality servings of copious amounts of sugar in bbqstate.
But alas, my interstate travels led me to cornstate, where the stuff pretty much grows on trees. My discovery of infinite candy made me feel like if the Trix bunny had finally killed those maniacal children and located the factory in which they made the Trix products. It would be just me and the sweet flavors of high fructose corn syrup and artificial fruit flavors.
But within months of moving to cornstate, the company decided to cut off the entire state and leave me on an island without the single most joyous edible delight in American history. That is until the woman who gave me life supplied me with the reason why I strive to live - candy.
On a simple Tuesday, I opened my mailbox to an overflow of my sweet-tooth's preference. Watermelon, green apple, blueberry. The gang was all there. As I wiped the tears away from my eyes, I gathered my treasures and made my way to my room.
If you look at my resume, you will find words like charismatic, stealthy, and jack of all trades. But nowhere on that 12-page description will you find "has self control." I don't know who let me bring that entire bag of candy into my room and left me to my lonesome, but they are the one I'm putting the blame on. What happened to those 19 5inch licorice sweets was gruesome. I devoured them mercilessly and didn't look back. For a moment there I thought I heard screams coming from the bag, for the previous victim's peers had seen their fate.
Well my gluttony finally caught up to me 3 episodes deep in my latest TV addiction.
As I attempted to break my lethargic streak and stand up to finally accomplish something for the day, all the sugar I had consumed Oregon trailed it straight to my recently numbed brain. I didn’t stand a chance. The newly converted glucose began punching my optic chiasm. My eyes then refused anymore torture by rejecting horrific beams of light being emitted by my 30 watt in the far corner of the room.
And something that is not helping my head throbbing is Duffy performing her single “well well well” live on Jimbo Fal (Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. If you don’t watch it, start.)
Have I learned my lesson? Of course not! its candy. I will continue to ingest until there isn’t anything left and am scavenging my apartment for scraps that might have flown off my mouth in the recent massacres while carrying the extra 13 lb I have earned.
Life well spent.
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Hope you had a good day today. If not, this might cheer you up.
I got my first hangover last night at 11:47 pm on a Thursday. True story.
It gets worse. This wasn't caused by poor decisions with alcohol and lack of self control in an underage social scene. It was in my bed with a 32oz bag of candy accompanied by the latest episodes of The League and my oso pirata. Now let's back track this mofo titanic style! (I'm also very tired so please excuse this poor attempt at slang.)
Two years ago I found the holy grail of candies. It’s so fantastic, I made my own advertisement for it because it is pretty low key.
And this magic used to be available everywhere, in cornstate at least. To be honest, if I really sit down and think about it, this sweetened masterpiece might contribute to 23% of the reason why I choose to go to school here. You just can't find quality servings of copious amounts of sugar in bbqstate.
But alas, my interstate travels led me to cornstate, where the stuff pretty much grows on trees. My discovery of infinite candy made me feel like if the Trix bunny had finally killed those maniacal children and located the factory in which they made the Trix products. It would be just me and the sweet flavors of high fructose corn syrup and artificial fruit flavors.
But within months of moving to cornstate, the company decided to cut off the entire state and leave me on an island without the single most joyous edible delight in American history. That is until the woman who gave me life supplied me with the reason why I strive to live - candy.
On a simple Tuesday, I opened my mailbox to an overflow of my sweet-tooth's preference. Watermelon, green apple, blueberry. The gang was all there. As I wiped the tears away from my eyes, I gathered my treasures and made my way to my room.
If you look at my resume, you will find words like charismatic, stealthy, and jack of all trades. But nowhere on that 12-page description will you find "has self control." I don't know who let me bring that entire bag of candy into my room and left me to my lonesome, but they are the one I'm putting the blame on. What happened to those 19 5inch licorice sweets was gruesome. I devoured them mercilessly and didn't look back. For a moment there I thought I heard screams coming from the bag, for the previous victim's peers had seen their fate.
Well my gluttony finally caught up to me 3 episodes deep in my latest TV addiction.
As I attempted to break my lethargic streak and stand up to finally accomplish something for the day, all the sugar I had consumed Oregon trailed it straight to my recently numbed brain. I didn’t stand a chance. The newly converted glucose began punching my optic chiasm. My eyes then refused anymore torture by rejecting horrific beams of light being emitted by my 30 watt in the far corner of the room.
And something that is not helping my head throbbing is Duffy performing her single “well well well” live on Jimbo Fal (Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. If you don’t watch it, start.)
Have I learned my lesson? Of course not! its candy. I will continue to ingest until there isn’t anything left and am scavenging my apartment for scraps that might have flown off my mouth in the recent massacres while carrying the extra 13 lb I have earned.
Life well spent.
First of all I don't know why I a reading this at 4:03 in the morning, but I am. I don't think I've laughed that hard since I read this pre-post or your last blog entry. Either way I laughed like OJ Simpson when he was cleared on murder charges. Thanks for making something so simple, like the love of licorice, an all out event. Can't wait for the next post, but choose school first. Funny as always!
ReplyDeleteAnonymously, Mom
thanks for the charity comment mom.
ReplyDelete