A Holiday Story: Part 1 of 1000

Firstly, MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! And happy other holidays that are just as equally as important but too complicated for me to spell. I hope everyone's December has treated them with much love and expensive gifts, or at least one of those.


Mine is going pretty swell, with the exception of my heathenistic urge to strangle my only brother every time he ribs on me for expressing my true self, like when I laugh, breathe, or talk in a British accent - which is amazazing by the way - but I'm rambling.


Because everyday of my life this week has been filled with blog worthy tales, I'm spreading them out in a mini-series of Christmas stories. Many of them aren't even Christmas themed so don't worry if you are uncomfortable with Christian based epics. Even still, I might forget many of the stories or even get bored so this whole series might end three stories in. With that long introduction, I give you "The Missing Cell phone."

Gluttony Getting the Best of Me

Remember that time I used to write things here? Well, I sort of forgot I had classes to take. In an epic brain battle of deciding whether to become a super famous internet star or not dropping out of college, I choose the latter. Anyway, I wrote this a while back so the days might be weird.
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Hope you had a good day today. If not, this might cheer you up.

I got my first hangover last night at  11:47 pm on a Thursday. True story.

It gets worse. This wasn't caused by poor decisions with alcohol and lack of self control in an underage social scene. It was in my bed with a 32oz bag of candy accompanied by the latest episodes of The League and my oso pirata. Now let's back track this mofo titanic style! (I'm also very tired so please excuse this poor attempt at slang.)

Two years ago I found the holy grail of candies. It’s so fantastic, I made my own advertisement for it because it is pretty low key.

And this magic used to be available everywhere, in cornstate at least. To be honest, if I really sit down and think about it, this sweetened masterpiece might contribute to 23% of the reason why I choose to go to school here. You just can't find quality servings of copious amounts of sugar in bbqstate.

But alas, my interstate travels led me to cornstate, where the stuff pretty much grows on trees. My discovery of infinite candy made me feel like if the Trix bunny had finally killed those maniacal children and located the factory in which they made the Trix products. It would be just me and the sweet flavors of high fructose corn syrup and artificial fruit flavors.

But within months of moving to cornstate, the company decided to cut off the entire state and leave me on an island without the single most joyous edible delight in American history. That is until the woman who gave me life supplied me with the reason why I strive to live - candy.

On a simple Tuesday, I opened my mailbox to an overflow of my sweet-tooth's preference. Watermelon, green apple, blueberry. The gang was all there. As I wiped the tears away from my eyes, I gathered my treasures and made my way to my room.

If you look at my resume, you will find words like charismatic, stealthy, and jack of all trades. But nowhere on that 12-page description will you find "has self control." I don't know who let me bring that entire bag of candy into my room and left me to my lonesome, but they are the one I'm putting the blame on. What happened to those 19 5inch licorice sweets was gruesome. I devoured them mercilessly and didn't look back. For a moment there I thought I heard screams coming from the bag, for the previous victim's peers had seen their fate.

Well my gluttony finally caught up to me 3 episodes deep in my latest TV addiction.


As I attempted to break my lethargic streak and stand up to finally accomplish something for the day, all the sugar I had consumed Oregon trailed it straight to my recently numbed brain. I didn’t stand a chance.  The newly converted glucose began punching my optic chiasm. My eyes then refused anymore torture by rejecting horrific beams of light being emitted by my 30 watt in the far corner of the room.

And something that is not helping my head throbbing is Duffy performing her single “well well well” live on Jimbo Fal (Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. If you don’t watch it, start.)

Have I learned my lesson? Of course not! its candy. I will continue to ingest until there isn’t anything left and am scavenging my apartment for scraps that might have flown off my mouth in the recent massacres while carrying the extra 13 lb I have earned.

Life well spent.

Procrastination!!!!

I've been working on a new post and im doing the pictures. But while we wait, here is something random:

You're welcome.

Letters to Life: Money

Dear My Bank,

Have you read the constitution lately? You know, the one made in the United States? Because last time I checked, it basically told me I can do whatever I want. Like if I want to own bear arms, I can.

I Can Fix That: Chips and Salsa

Chips and salsa. Might as well be called crispy delicious and liquid delicious. Why wouldn't you want your taste buds to marinate in the angelic flavors of the traditional Mexican appetizer and sports food staple?

Because it is embarrassing. There are too many variables going into the task of successfully preparing, serving, and eating CAS (chips and salsa - try and keep up).

Luckily I have recently made every wrong move when it comes to this particular eating experience only to acquire the knowledge of proper etiquette so I can pass it on to you, stranger.


Preparation:

The best thing to do in these first steps is to keep calm. I understand that this is hard to do, especially when there is so much to look forward to in the near future. Before you get the ingredients out, you need to prepare the necessary vessels that will hold the precious food things.

It’s best to use a bowl for the salsa and a plate for the chips – that is if you are at a fancy dinner party and plan on eating this meal with a fork and knife. You eat those chips right out the bag like a caveman would have had he had the chance to taste greatness.



Get over yourself

In Mourning in the Morning

It's currently 2:35 at morning and I am thoroughly depressed. Not because my life is filled with the woes of never sustaining a successful relationship with a male human. Not because my dreams are slowly drifting away from my ambitious grasp as tragically as Mufasa slipped away from Simba. It's because I can no longer drink milk.




WHAT!?!




Sure, your first reaction is, "Why Brie, why don't you just pop a couple of help-me-eat-lactose pills and stop bothering me about your problems?" I have tried this method. Because like you, arrogant stranger, I thought that I was lactose intolerant. This was when I was young and naive.

Letters to Life: Food

Dear Cheese,

I have a confession to make. I’ve been living a lie. I once thought that I loved you. I told everyone about how great you were in and on any meal type I had planned thoughout the day.


My heart would skip a beat when I would read on a menu that you were going to make an appeance on my plate, be it in a pile of shredded wonderment or seemlessly hiding in the main course like a ninja.


But I’m not the only one to blame for this love lost. I have only seen one side of you for the past 19 years - until now.


Sure there have been times as a child when I would step away from my normal daily intake of a block of mild cheddar and journey to the realm of string cheesery. But It always let me down. You let me down. And yet I would try again.

Everything is Stupid...

...That is, until you are the one to try something. Becasue let's be honest, you are the coolest person you know. You shoot awesome right out of your nostrils and leave a path of envious followers where ever you go.

So naturally you have combed the world of all that it has to offer and aquired a liking for only the latest and greatest, sometimes even the oldest and.....boldest? Anyway, you get the picture, because you are IT!

With all this power of dubbing something cool, why waste it on things that you haven't tried yet? Those things are all stupid aren't they?

What if some random joe off the street came up to you and said, "have you tried shark slamming yet? It's this great new thing where...." but by then you are already not interested be cause it is something that a) the pinnical of awesome, you, had not even heard of and b) quite frankly it sounds stupid.