Chips and salsa. Might as well be called crispy delicious and liquid delicious. Why wouldn't you want your taste buds to marinate in the angelic flavors of the traditional Mexican appetizer and sports food staple?
Because it is embarrassing. There are too many variables going into the task of successfully preparing, serving, and eating CAS (chips and salsa - try and keep up).
Luckily I have recently made every wrong move when it comes to this particular eating experience only to acquire the knowledge of proper etiquette so I can pass it on to you, stranger.
Preparation:
The best thing to do in these first steps is to keep calm. I understand that this is hard to do, especially when there is so much to look forward to in the near future. Before you get the ingredients out, you need to prepare the necessary vessels that will hold the precious food things.
It’s best to use a bowl for the salsa and a plate for the chips – that is if you are at a fancy dinner party and plan on eating this meal with a fork and knife. You eat those chips right out the bag like a caveman would have had he had the chance to taste greatness.
But as a caution when pouring the salsa into to the bowl, don’t be too overzealous with this step because it could result in spillage. And then who is going to clean it up?
Well not you of course, you are the one who got the courage to burn enough ATP to move your skeletal muscles and bones in a fashion that would shimmy you over to the room where these foods are kept to attempt to make a meal for you and your loved ones.
You’ve done enough buddy, take a breather.
Okay after the salsa is good to go, test the serving temperature and make sure it is not freezing because that tastes like salsa ice cream and as unbelievable as it may sound, it tastes like life is angry at you.
If it is at a lower temp than you would like, put it in the microwave for I don’t know, 1 minute or so. If you take it out and it’s hot, you messed up. BIG TIME. But there is an easy fix - just throw it away and go get some more at the store.
Chip Selection:
This is a careful procedure; like Operation without the annoying buzz sound. That is unless you start smashing all the chips with ferocious fists thus causing chip shrapnel to fly around the room and the buzz sound will be in the form of friends yelling at your ignorance.
And quite frankly if that’s how you take chips out of a bag, you don’t deserve the CAS experience and you can just leave.
Ok we got rid of that guy. To be honest, just choose a chip that looks slightly smaller than your mouth as to avoid playing chip Tetris and trying to fit the chip in at the perfect angle.
Transportation:
After dipping the chip into the salsa at the desired depth and collecting all of the salsa-y goodness your champion chip can handle, you have to bring the combination to your oral orifice.
Wow……..easy does it………EASY………that’s it just take it slow…….. aaaaannnd you spilled it. Okay don’t panic. It’s only on your shirt. This is easy. Make that your designated salsa shirt. Boom, now you’re dressed for the party!
Mastication:
Here we are, you have dressed for this occasion, you have chosen your first chip, and everyone else is cleaning up your mess because you are mentally superior to them.
Now chomp on that chip so your life will be propelled into a world where there are no international conflicts and every polar bear has a full square mile to do whatever the duck it wants to do. Of course, this euphoria will only last until the last crunch of the selected chip persists.
So how do you continue this CAS high? By shoveling as many chips slathered in salsa as you can in your mouth as loud as you can. This is key. The louder the crunch, the more peaceful the world is, the icier the polar bear world is.
Congratulations to you for single handedly curing the world of all its turmoil whilst enjoying its simple pleasures.
But what’s this? Some of your more envious friends will try to silence your diplomatic chews because they are not worthy of holding such power in their mortal jaws. So they will mask their jealously in requests that you are “making too much noise” or “chewing like a llama” which is a really weird thing to say because you shouldn't stalk llamas to observe their eating habits anyway.
If for some reason these friends tell you that your mastication process is slightly above the accepted decibel level for such an activity, there is only one solution. Chew louder. Jealously melts ice caps.
The Second Helping:
Because it is embarrassing. There are too many variables going into the task of successfully preparing, serving, and eating CAS (chips and salsa - try and keep up).
Luckily I have recently made every wrong move when it comes to this particular eating experience only to acquire the knowledge of proper etiquette so I can pass it on to you, stranger.
Preparation:
The best thing to do in these first steps is to keep calm. I understand that this is hard to do, especially when there is so much to look forward to in the near future. Before you get the ingredients out, you need to prepare the necessary vessels that will hold the precious food things.
It’s best to use a bowl for the salsa and a plate for the chips – that is if you are at a fancy dinner party and plan on eating this meal with a fork and knife. You eat those chips right out the bag like a caveman would have had he had the chance to taste greatness.
 |
| Get over yourself |
But as a caution when pouring the salsa into to the bowl, don’t be too overzealous with this step because it could result in spillage. And then who is going to clean it up?
Well not you of course, you are the one who got the courage to burn enough ATP to move your skeletal muscles and bones in a fashion that would shimmy you over to the room where these foods are kept to attempt to make a meal for you and your loved ones.
You’ve done enough buddy, take a breather.
Okay after the salsa is good to go, test the serving temperature and make sure it is not freezing because that tastes like salsa ice cream and as unbelievable as it may sound, it tastes like life is angry at you.
If it is at a lower temp than you would like, put it in the microwave for I don’t know, 1 minute or so. If you take it out and it’s hot, you messed up. BIG TIME. But there is an easy fix - just throw it away and go get some more at the store.
Chip Selection:
This is a careful procedure; like Operation without the annoying buzz sound. That is unless you start smashing all the chips with ferocious fists thus causing chip shrapnel to fly around the room and the buzz sound will be in the form of friends yelling at your ignorance.
And quite frankly if that’s how you take chips out of a bag, you don’t deserve the CAS experience and you can just leave.
Ok we got rid of that guy. To be honest, just choose a chip that looks slightly smaller than your mouth as to avoid playing chip Tetris and trying to fit the chip in at the perfect angle.
Transportation:
After dipping the chip into the salsa at the desired depth and collecting all of the salsa-y goodness your champion chip can handle, you have to bring the combination to your oral orifice.
Wow……..easy does it………EASY………that’s it just take it slow…….. aaaaannnd you spilled it. Okay don’t panic. It’s only on your shirt. This is easy. Make that your designated salsa shirt. Boom, now you’re dressed for the party!
Mastication:
Here we are, you have dressed for this occasion, you have chosen your first chip, and everyone else is cleaning up your mess because you are mentally superior to them.
Now chomp on that chip so your life will be propelled into a world where there are no international conflicts and every polar bear has a full square mile to do whatever the duck it wants to do. Of course, this euphoria will only last until the last crunch of the selected chip persists.
Congratulations to you for single handedly curing the world of all its turmoil whilst enjoying its simple pleasures.
But what’s this? Some of your more envious friends will try to silence your diplomatic chews because they are not worthy of holding such power in their mortal jaws. So they will mask their jealously in requests that you are “making too much noise” or “chewing like a llama” which is a really weird thing to say because you shouldn't stalk llamas to observe their eating habits anyway.
If for some reason these friends tell you that your mastication process is slightly above the accepted decibel level for such an activity, there is only one solution. Chew louder. Jealously melts ice caps.
The Second Helping:
Sometimes during the chip selection process, you will let your guard down and find your hands have enveloped a chip big enough to serve the other chips on. You wipe away a bead of sweat from your brow due to the stress you have brought upon yourself by making this fatal mistake.
You have been in this situation in the past only to find that you must result to double dipping.
The first go at the ol’salsa bowl is a breeze. You even consider high-fiving that jerk who tried to start WWIII and hates polar bears. However, when you withdraw your partially eaten chip away from your mouth, you see that you have only mustered up the gall to remove only 20% of it. Shame
 |
| Doesn't this chip look like Robert de Niro? |
So now you have a tectonic plate in your hand as dry as the Sahara Desert, pleading to be drenched in a salsa wonderland. So you go for it. And everyone just saw you. How do you back out of this?
Easy.
Say it’s your birthday. No one will scold an aging gentleman/gentlegal. And if they do – spit in the salsa. Then you can have all the salsa you want for the next 4 minutes if that because let’s face it, you are going to nearly drink that stuff.
Good for you. And happy birthday.
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