I Can Fix That: Relationshiping for Guys

Once again recent events in my life have prompted me into thinking the rest of the world, or at least the 6 people who read this, have similar encounters in their lives. After years of ass-backward relationship type situations with the opposite gender, I have compiled my most troublesome moments along with remedies in case you should find yourself in the same situation. And this advice is going to be pretty legit because I recently read like 12 seventeen magazine articles and they TOTALLY know all about guys – and dramarama!!

Courting a Young Lass

Here you are on a simple Tuesday afternoon, looking over your Biology notes before class even starts, just to make sure you retain your perfect 4.0 average in the class, when you look up at the clock to make sure you have enough time to memorize Meiosis when you catch something from the corner of your eye. The most beautiful earth inhabitant has entered the room, and is in your class! From the moment she clumsily stumbled into the classroom with arms fully occupied with textbooks and novels about angsty teenage witches and wizards, you knew your heart would never be the same. And just as the gods would have it, her seat is directly across from yours! Tis a good day indeed.

But do you even deserve this specimen of perfection?   If you ever hope to one day procreate with something as magnificent as this new found love, you will need to get to know her on an intellectual, social, and personal level. This can be done through healthy reoccurring conversation over a period of time until a friendship develops and there is a comfortable aura when the two of you interact.

This will not be accomplished by establishing your dominance in the class by yelling profanities just before winking in the young ladies direction and ‘shooting the finger guns’ at her. She will most definitely take offense to the language and assume you have no home training. This will not be remedied by initiating a game of footsie for the remainder of class. Despite the look in her eye that looks like she is trying to remember if humans go through a haploid stage, she is contemplating whether or not to end the game of footsie by “footsie-ing” your jingle berries with immaculate force.

Asking for a First Date

If you have made it to this stage then you have successfully gained the young woman’s trust and asking the gal out on a date should be a breeze. Because you have already declared your love for her in your mind, you want to make sure every moment of your date is memorable in the best possible way. Before asking her in a nice and polite manner, make sure you have all the details planned out in case there any questions. Just a few tips on making the date the best it can be:

-          Location: make sure the location is not too far from where either of you live.  Your date might feel out of her element if it is more than an hour away. Across state trips are out of the question.

-          Event: Make sure the event is casual enough so your date will feel comfortable and not out of place. It is stressful enough being on a first date, there doesn't need to be any added pressures.

-          Time: No overnight or weekend long trips. Period.

Warning: Failure to utilize these tips might lead you to believe that it is perfectly normal to invite your new love interest to an across state wedding four hours away for a first date weekend getaway. No matter how much you sell it, it’s not going to work.

With all these tools in hand, the actual asking of the date should commence. As long as she says yes, you’re in.

If the love of your life so chooses that the relationship is not ready for a casual outing, fear not. Continue with your friendly antics until comfort ensues for the lass. Do not under any circumstances take her rejection as a hint that she likes to play hard to get and begin formulating a plan as to how to cajole her into mistakenly going on a date with you. This will result in your date fleeing first chance she gets as well as a scheduled junk punch next time she sees you.

Date Worthy Conversation

Here is a list of topics that are suitable for stimulating conversation that will impress your date as well as an example of topics that will send her brain spiraling into a pit of self-loathing for ever having thought you were worth interacting with for more than a billisecond.

-          Career

-          Humor

-          Politics

-          Lame

Handling Money

There is no possible way that you could mess this up – except one. Instead of allowing her to pay for the meal or participated activity, do not insist that you use her dollar for a riddle and proceed to rip it for the punch line. This joke is in such bad taste, I have chosen the Internets as my main source to ruin its reign by telling you, the masses, the riddle and its horrifying answer.

On the one dollar bill you will find a dead president, a dairy product and a movie title. What are they?

The subsequent answers are to follow, George Washington, Half & Half (rip the dollar), and Gone with the wind (throw the halves to the wind.)

Please stop this joke; there are so many other ways to use the dollar in this economy like getting 1/3 gallon of gas or paying a highway toll or leaving a terrible tip. Just so many options.

Ending the Date

After driving the lady home in a safe manner, tell her what a great time you had and if possible, suggest another glorious evening together.

Do not sit in her car after she drove you to and from the venue and wait for a kiss.

Hopefully your Valentine's date went better than this.

As a completely related topic, please like my website thingy on facebook to get updates at the fan page titled "Incoherent Compliments."