Finally! the Summer Edition (Brought to you in August)

I know I know, It's been a while. Just put the toaster down and get out of the bathtub, your reason for living is back.

As a side note I also have produced a new website thingy that is slightly more philosophical and possibly less entertaining but I'll do my best. And I cannot guarantee that there won't be any spelling errors so forgive me and my 3rd grade understanding of basic spelling once again. Now back to business.

This post was supPOST (pun) to be up about 3 months ago so pretend that its the first day of summer and not the first day of school for some of you. Enjoy.

My semester long ( and also summer long) sabbatical was brought on by a multitude of hardships like "college is hard" and "I just ripped my pants" and "WHO ATE ALL MY RICE-A-RONI!?! I NEED MY SAN FRANCISCO TREAT!" which sent me into an internal spiral of depression which has only recently been cured with the ice cream. This whole allergic crap is really effecting my well-being apparently.

But in that time at least 34 awesomely ridiculous things have occurred in which I feel I should alert my friends via website.

One thing that is quite fantastic is that the calendar struck June, which means I'm out of school, jobless, and waiting for the next stage of my life. Instead of sitting around like I have done for the past 13 summers, I have taken it upon myself to continue to learn things!!!

As crazy as this sounds, I have already gained a working knowledge of psychology, international markets, and have a loose handle on 2 languages.

Before you hit your stumble button, this whole thing is not how I am bettering myself, but how everyone can make the most of their summers instead of being bed ridden. Here's some personal stories that might enhance the next few weeks for ya - TRY THEM ALL!

TURN SOMEONE INTO A RACIST

I know, we are starting off pretty controversial, but racism can be fun when used to make others mildly uncomfortable, but also sometimes genocide when taken to the extreme*. So when my brain hurts too much too read, I go outside and what do you know there are tons of people out there, waiting for me to interact and potentially entertain.

Near my local grocer there is a wonderful establishment that offers skin tone alterations for a more bronzed look via tanning bed. Based on my genetic gifts given to me by my forefathers, I have never used these services - but those who work at this cosmetic parlor are not privileged with this information.

So when someone as hot chocolatey as me walks in into South Beach Tan, you can expect a multitude of hilarity to ensue.

And then watch as somone tries to explain to you your racial situation in the most PC way possible. But if they say "well thats cuz you're black" you just made a racist!

CLEAN YOUR ROOM

WOW there Brie, I thought this was supposed to be a fun guide to summer!!!! Yeah yeah yeah, but there is always some work that needs to be done.

To be honest I have no idea on how to coach anyone on how to clean a room. I have studied this outdated art under many gurus such as my mom or even a group of gay guys on a makeover show - I miss you Carson.

And even though I understand the basics (pick things up off the ground, put them in a better place) there is still something being lost in translation in which I find myself engaging in a completely different activity.

3 hours later......

CREATE A FALSE REALITY

Everyone knows that I'm not too outgoing when it comes to meeting new people or doing anything for that matter. But on those rare occasions I find myself in a situation where I want to be apart of something bigger than myself, like a community - and then it blows up in my face.

My most recent humiliation was at a high school believe it or not when parents of the high schools - and their older children who have a limited social schedule - watched a preview of the band show. I'm not much for paying attention so I spent most of the time looking around at the crowd.

And that's when I saw my Kindergarten teacher sitting like 4 rows in front of me!!!! She might be one of the greatest women on the planet and I wanted to show her how awesome I've become and also how she let me down by not teaching me the fundamentals of spelling (I'm sorry GUMS).

So after the mind-blowing band performance (seriously, high school bands are da bomb) I rushed over to the woman who started off my learning career, the lady who taught me how to count, the person who let me take naps in school!!!!!

I rushed up to her and gave her a hug out of instinct and it was returned whole hearted-ly. She asked me how I was and I told her all about college and next semester's Indian Adventure. She asked me about my family and I spilled all their beans too. As we were talking I couldn't help but compliment her on how great she looked - she always seemed kinda - droopy - but now she looked like 20 years younger.

And that's when I saw my REAL Kinder-G teacher stroll on by.

I had many questions like "who the heck is THIS woman? why did she ask me such personal questions? Does SHE know me too?."

None of these were answered.

GROW A LADY BEARD

My mom did.

***UPDATE****

ACCEPT DEFEAT

Based on my lack of enthusiasm for this post over the summer, many of you know that I did not keep up with pretty much my only responsibility to the world - making people giggle with theirs eyes on this here website thingy. The good news is that I can give you an actual account of what really happened this summer.

*I do not condone genocide and it is no laughing matter. But mild racism is.