Awkwardness Decoded...with Codes

Oh my gosh looks who's back! Again again. I like to keep everyone clamoring for more posts so they don't get bored but I will admit a 4 month or so sabbatical is a bit much.

Anyways I have good news! My life is in shambles again so you have something worthwhile to read. Nothing too bad this time but it is in fact my personal response to reverse culture shock and a lack of social ability. Let me explain.

After being in a country where I wasn't allowed to voice my opinion or even show my ankles if men were around I have adopted a new lifestyle known to me and others who listen to my drunken ramblings as the corner dust syndrome.

The way I see it there are 125 types of people in this world but only 2 types worth mentioning for this demonstration. The first is similar to the social butterfly but in my chopped and screwed language it can be referred to as the light bulb.

The light bulb has the ability to brighten any room by turning their personality and charisma on and off at any given moment. Their sheer confidence alone can turn any "event" into a "shindig" in seconds.

These people go on to be successful members of society like the cool starbucks barista or the hobo who talks to himself. They may not be successful in the traditional financial sense but they are truly rich in friendship and maybe even a little debt. Either way they are a measurable strand in the fabric of community.

These are the type of people I idolize because they are able to express their thoughts and interact with others and maybe even have relationships. Sounds like a fulfilling  well rounded functional life.

This isn’t to say the life of a corner dust isn't fulfilling but - let me explain myself first.

In contrast to the light bulb the corner dust is just some pathetic speck of a thing that lingers in those ever luminous parties hosted by the light bulb. Sure they have friends but they were probably acquired on some default bylaw of a social organization that the corner dust accidentally signed up for. Now it must resort to poorly decorating the background whilst its peers "shoot the breeze" and commit "small talk" - the ever elusive realms of communication that the corner dust has yet to grasp.

Don’t get me wrong the corner dust still has a lot to offer - maybe even more than the light bulb at times because I never said they were the brightest intellectually. I mean, look in your respective room right this instant and see if you have any corner dust. Is this the first time you've noticed it? Why? Because there is no point in acknowledging its existence because it doesn't seem to want or need to be in your life. You probably won’t benefit from it.

But a closer look at that room debris will reveal treasures. Like a shiny dime, a somehow not stale cheeto, or a strand of hair from that guy/girl that you used to play Xbox with and had a crush on. You know, real gems.

Had I not instructed you to venture to that discrete space, how would you have never been able to afford 1/10 of a ticket at the dollar cinema or enhanced your awkward shrine of someone you knew a few years back?

You’re welcome.

But the point of this exercise is to show that corner dust does not have the ability to express itself because it has come to the realization that it is meant to be ignored. It would speak up if it had a voice of its own but it has somehow been suffocated with loose wool fabric from your favorite winter blanket. (I'm sure I lost the analogy here somewhere but bare with me.)

Corner dust isn't a jerk for keeping these nuggets of gold from you or the rest of the world it just figured you didn't want them.

So for a few tips of recognizing people with these characteristics always look for those who plant themselves along the wall of gatherings of more than 3 people sometimes even literally in the corner just staring into the abyss hoping that someone will ask their opinion on whatever topic they are probably eavesdropping on.

Or perhaps ask them where they bought their fashionable new blouse or even what's up because most likely they have been rehearsing this conversation in their head for weeks and are just dying to shout their opinion about something. Just engage these pathetic wallflowers and you might find they have something beautiful hidden inside.

I should know - I've been there.


And consider this an informal public apology to those I've snubbed while trying to get a handle on my personal shortcomings. I'm new here remember?

Finally! the Summer Edition (Brought to you in August)

I know I know, It's been a while. Just put the toaster down and get out of the bathtub, your reason for living is back.

As a side note I also have produced a new website thingy that is slightly more philosophical and possibly less entertaining but I'll do my best. And I cannot guarantee that there won't be any spelling errors so forgive me and my 3rd grade understanding of basic spelling once again. Now back to business.

This post was supPOST (pun) to be up about 3 months ago so pretend that its the first day of summer and not the first day of school for some of you. Enjoy.

I Can Fix That: Relationshiping for Guys

Once again recent events in my life have prompted me into thinking the rest of the world, or at least the 6 people who read this, have similar encounters in their lives. After years of ass-backward relationship type situations with the opposite gender, I have compiled my most troublesome moments along with remedies in case you should find yourself in the same situation. And this advice is going to be pretty legit because I recently read like 12 seventeen magazine articles and they TOTALLY know all about guys – and dramarama!!

Courting a Young Lass

Here you are on a simple Tuesday afternoon, looking over your Biology notes before class even starts, just to make sure you retain your perfect 4.0 average in the class, when you look up at the clock to make sure you have enough time to memorize Meiosis when you catch something from the corner of your eye. The most beautiful earth inhabitant has entered the room, and is in your class! From the moment she clumsily stumbled into the classroom with arms fully occupied with textbooks and novels about angsty teenage witches and wizards, you knew your heart would never be the same. And just as the gods would have it, her seat is directly across from yours! Tis a good day indeed.

But do you even deserve this specimen of perfection?   If you ever hope to one day procreate with something as magnificent as this new found love, you will need to get to know her on an intellectual, social, and personal level. This can be done through healthy reoccurring conversation over a period of time until a friendship develops and there is a comfortable aura when the two of you interact.

Ouch! My Dignity!

Before we get into the giggles, I would like for who are well practiced in the English language and have a keyboard to consider leaving a comment. Seeing as though 85% of my self-esteem is derived from the approval of others, the boost would be much needed. :)

With that being said, here is a story about how I lost a piece of my dignity hours ago!

As some of you may know, my current residence is in the great cornstate. And as of late, the weather has been very fickle. For the past few days, the weather has gone from about -10 degrees to 40 degrees but to put it in more relatable terms, "all humans should stay indoors until this mini-ice age is over" to "all hale the glorious sun! Praise the rays that demolish the evil ice dust!!" 

Being the crazy person that I am, I typically enjoy when the freeze mister comes to town. Except for today.

I had been cooped up in classes or the library all day and because I have some sense about myself, I didn’t waste time in the morning by waiting until 8:58am to see if it was cold outside or not. I face the day without a preface, just like any champion would.

(Picture here later. maybe)

So when I went outside for the first time, I was filled with child-like joy to find that it was snowing. I am still new to this phenomenon that beautiful crystals elegantly float from the above abyss and place themselves on the earth, thus coating it with a thin layer of joy. The amount  of beauty that the campus gains from this natural occurrence is indescribable. While trying to fight back tears of joy, I made my way over to my next place of business, but embarrassment would soon stop me in my tracks.

Because I did not take the time to check the forecast, my footwear was less on the practical side and more on the fashionable side. I'm sorry if I want to get good use out of my inside boots that were approximately 40% cheaper than my winter approved snow boots. I like to save those for a rainy day (pun intended.)

As I basked in the winter wonderland that was forming all around me, I forgot about the lack of traction my shoes failed to provide me. My happiness was taken from me as quickly as I received it as I fell on the newly fallen snow. There are several reasons why it was the worst moment in my life.

1) I was alone. Friendship is nice for several reasons. You are guaranteed gifts for birthdays and most holidays. Being distracted in class is a breeze with at least one friend around. And when embarrassment looms over your head like a cloud of eminent depression and woe, friends are there to laugh with you until your self-esteem reaches a healthy level. In this current event, there was no one to remove me from the cold grasp of public shaming, and yet I did not cry. Point for Brie!

2) No one acknowledged it. Not a laugh. Not a point. Not even an “are you okay young and feeble being? Because I am walking right next to you and I have at least an ounce of moral fiber, I will risk being late to my next appointment as to assure you are able to continue to your destination.” Nothing. I felt like I was invisible but also, I kind of pretended it didn't happen until...

3) The snow residue. Not only did I not realize that my butt had displayed on it my lack of coordination and gracefulness, but when I sat down, I melted the snow, thus providing a puddle in my seat and a wet spot on my pants. Good thing I wasn't planning on making new friends today.

P Squareds

Yeah yeah yeah, you're looking at the title of this thinking I had a seizure while writing because it doesn't make any sense. Well SHUT UP because it does. P-squared is what I call things that irritate me, much like "pet peeves" but ironically, that phrase is something that irritates me so I shortened it to PxP or P-squareds. Get it? Great.

I enjoy most things in life and generally thank whatever created the universe for letting me live each and every day. But there are some things that make me want to surgically remove my ears or bluntly bash my eyes blind or render my olfactory nerve useless. Here's a short list of examples.

Also, this post containts no pictures so, sorry.

Spanish Eyes

I've been told quite a few times in my life that I have pretty amazing eyes. I mean, I was once in a relationship(?) with someone only because they enjoyed looking into my eyes. Of course who wants to date someone that shallow, so I kicked him to the curb. This is all so you can realize just how special my ocular orifices are.

In being so special, you would think that I would take care of them. You would think that I would go out of my way to preserve their beauty, or at least take the basic steps of making sure the eye repo man doesn't come knocking on my door.

It is true that sometimes I have been known to go the extreme when it comes to my eyes, like wearing non-prescription fashion specs. I do this for several reasons. 1) I like how I look in them B) They make me feel slightly more professional on those extra professional days iii) I am terrified of eye paper cuts.

This last bullet point usually gets giggles. hahah PAPER IN YOUR EYE!! laugh now. I didn't think so. So I make sure this life tragedy never happens to me by applying the necessary protective gear when I wake up on the occasional morning and feel that it is going to be extra papery.

A Holiday Story: Part 1 of 1000

Firstly, MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! And happy other holidays that are just as equally as important but too complicated for me to spell. I hope everyone's December has treated them with much love and expensive gifts, or at least one of those.


Mine is going pretty swell, with the exception of my heathenistic urge to strangle my only brother every time he ribs on me for expressing my true self, like when I laugh, breathe, or talk in a British accent - which is amazazing by the way - but I'm rambling.


Because everyday of my life this week has been filled with blog worthy tales, I'm spreading them out in a mini-series of Christmas stories. Many of them aren't even Christmas themed so don't worry if you are uncomfortable with Christian based epics. Even still, I might forget many of the stories or even get bored so this whole series might end three stories in. With that long introduction, I give you "The Missing Cell phone."