Finally! the Summer Edition (Brought to you in August)

I know I know, It's been a while. Just put the toaster down and get out of the bathtub, your reason for living is back.

As a side note I also have produced a new website thingy that is slightly more philosophical and possibly less entertaining but I'll do my best. And I cannot guarantee that there won't be any spelling errors so forgive me and my 3rd grade understanding of basic spelling once again. Now back to business.

This post was supPOST (pun) to be up about 3 months ago so pretend that its the first day of summer and not the first day of school for some of you. Enjoy.

I Can Fix That: Relationshiping for Guys

Once again recent events in my life have prompted me into thinking the rest of the world, or at least the 6 people who read this, have similar encounters in their lives. After years of ass-backward relationship type situations with the opposite gender, I have compiled my most troublesome moments along with remedies in case you should find yourself in the same situation. And this advice is going to be pretty legit because I recently read like 12 seventeen magazine articles and they TOTALLY know all about guys – and dramarama!!

Courting a Young Lass

Here you are on a simple Tuesday afternoon, looking over your Biology notes before class even starts, just to make sure you retain your perfect 4.0 average in the class, when you look up at the clock to make sure you have enough time to memorize Meiosis when you catch something from the corner of your eye. The most beautiful earth inhabitant has entered the room, and is in your class! From the moment she clumsily stumbled into the classroom with arms fully occupied with textbooks and novels about angsty teenage witches and wizards, you knew your heart would never be the same. And just as the gods would have it, her seat is directly across from yours! Tis a good day indeed.

But do you even deserve this specimen of perfection?   If you ever hope to one day procreate with something as magnificent as this new found love, you will need to get to know her on an intellectual, social, and personal level. This can be done through healthy reoccurring conversation over a period of time until a friendship develops and there is a comfortable aura when the two of you interact.

Ouch! My Dignity!

Before we get into the giggles, I would like for who are well practiced in the English language and have a keyboard to consider leaving a comment. Seeing as though 85% of my self-esteem is derived from the approval of others, the boost would be much needed. :)

With that being said, here is a story about how I lost a piece of my dignity hours ago!

As some of you may know, my current residence is in the great cornstate. And as of late, the weather has been very fickle. For the past few days, the weather has gone from about -10 degrees to 40 degrees but to put it in more relatable terms, "all humans should stay indoors until this mini-ice age is over" to "all hale the glorious sun! Praise the rays that demolish the evil ice dust!!" 

Being the crazy person that I am, I typically enjoy when the freeze mister comes to town. Except for today.

I had been cooped up in classes or the library all day and because I have some sense about myself, I didn’t waste time in the morning by waiting until 8:58am to see if it was cold outside or not. I face the day without a preface, just like any champion would.

(Picture here later. maybe)

So when I went outside for the first time, I was filled with child-like joy to find that it was snowing. I am still new to this phenomenon that beautiful crystals elegantly float from the above abyss and place themselves on the earth, thus coating it with a thin layer of joy. The amount  of beauty that the campus gains from this natural occurrence is indescribable. While trying to fight back tears of joy, I made my way over to my next place of business, but embarrassment would soon stop me in my tracks.

Because I did not take the time to check the forecast, my footwear was less on the practical side and more on the fashionable side. I'm sorry if I want to get good use out of my inside boots that were approximately 40% cheaper than my winter approved snow boots. I like to save those for a rainy day (pun intended.)

As I basked in the winter wonderland that was forming all around me, I forgot about the lack of traction my shoes failed to provide me. My happiness was taken from me as quickly as I received it as I fell on the newly fallen snow. There are several reasons why it was the worst moment in my life.

1) I was alone. Friendship is nice for several reasons. You are guaranteed gifts for birthdays and most holidays. Being distracted in class is a breeze with at least one friend around. And when embarrassment looms over your head like a cloud of eminent depression and woe, friends are there to laugh with you until your self-esteem reaches a healthy level. In this current event, there was no one to remove me from the cold grasp of public shaming, and yet I did not cry. Point for Brie!

2) No one acknowledged it. Not a laugh. Not a point. Not even an “are you okay young and feeble being? Because I am walking right next to you and I have at least an ounce of moral fiber, I will risk being late to my next appointment as to assure you are able to continue to your destination.” Nothing. I felt like I was invisible but also, I kind of pretended it didn't happen until...

3) The snow residue. Not only did I not realize that my butt had displayed on it my lack of coordination and gracefulness, but when I sat down, I melted the snow, thus providing a puddle in my seat and a wet spot on my pants. Good thing I wasn't planning on making new friends today.

P Squareds

Yeah yeah yeah, you're looking at the title of this thinking I had a seizure while writing because it doesn't make any sense. Well SHUT UP because it does. P-squared is what I call things that irritate me, much like "pet peeves" but ironically, that phrase is something that irritates me so I shortened it to PxP or P-squareds. Get it? Great.

I enjoy most things in life and generally thank whatever created the universe for letting me live each and every day. But there are some things that make me want to surgically remove my ears or bluntly bash my eyes blind or render my olfactory nerve useless. Here's a short list of examples.

Also, this post containts no pictures so, sorry.

Spanish Eyes

I've been told quite a few times in my life that I have pretty amazing eyes. I mean, I was once in a relationship(?) with someone only because they enjoyed looking into my eyes. Of course who wants to date someone that shallow, so I kicked him to the curb. This is all so you can realize just how special my ocular orifices are.

In being so special, you would think that I would take care of them. You would think that I would go out of my way to preserve their beauty, or at least take the basic steps of making sure the eye repo man doesn't come knocking on my door.

It is true that sometimes I have been known to go the extreme when it comes to my eyes, like wearing non-prescription fashion specs. I do this for several reasons. 1) I like how I look in them B) They make me feel slightly more professional on those extra professional days iii) I am terrified of eye paper cuts.

This last bullet point usually gets giggles. hahah PAPER IN YOUR EYE!! laugh now. I didn't think so. So I make sure this life tragedy never happens to me by applying the necessary protective gear when I wake up on the occasional morning and feel that it is going to be extra papery.

A Holiday Story: Part 1 of 1000

Firstly, MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! And happy other holidays that are just as equally as important but too complicated for me to spell. I hope everyone's December has treated them with much love and expensive gifts, or at least one of those.


Mine is going pretty swell, with the exception of my heathenistic urge to strangle my only brother every time he ribs on me for expressing my true self, like when I laugh, breathe, or talk in a British accent - which is amazazing by the way - but I'm rambling.


Because everyday of my life this week has been filled with blog worthy tales, I'm spreading them out in a mini-series of Christmas stories. Many of them aren't even Christmas themed so don't worry if you are uncomfortable with Christian based epics. Even still, I might forget many of the stories or even get bored so this whole series might end three stories in. With that long introduction, I give you "The Missing Cell phone."

Gluttony Getting the Best of Me

Remember that time I used to write things here? Well, I sort of forgot I had classes to take. In an epic brain battle of deciding whether to become a super famous internet star or not dropping out of college, I choose the latter. Anyway, I wrote this a while back so the days might be weird.
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Hope you had a good day today. If not, this might cheer you up.

I got my first hangover last night at  11:47 pm on a Thursday. True story.

It gets worse. This wasn't caused by poor decisions with alcohol and lack of self control in an underage social scene. It was in my bed with a 32oz bag of candy accompanied by the latest episodes of The League and my oso pirata. Now let's back track this mofo titanic style! (I'm also very tired so please excuse this poor attempt at slang.)

Two years ago I found the holy grail of candies. It’s so fantastic, I made my own advertisement for it because it is pretty low key.

And this magic used to be available everywhere, in cornstate at least. To be honest, if I really sit down and think about it, this sweetened masterpiece might contribute to 23% of the reason why I choose to go to school here. You just can't find quality servings of copious amounts of sugar in bbqstate.

But alas, my interstate travels led me to cornstate, where the stuff pretty much grows on trees. My discovery of infinite candy made me feel like if the Trix bunny had finally killed those maniacal children and located the factory in which they made the Trix products. It would be just me and the sweet flavors of high fructose corn syrup and artificial fruit flavors.

But within months of moving to cornstate, the company decided to cut off the entire state and leave me on an island without the single most joyous edible delight in American history. That is until the woman who gave me life supplied me with the reason why I strive to live - candy.

On a simple Tuesday, I opened my mailbox to an overflow of my sweet-tooth's preference. Watermelon, green apple, blueberry. The gang was all there. As I wiped the tears away from my eyes, I gathered my treasures and made my way to my room.

If you look at my resume, you will find words like charismatic, stealthy, and jack of all trades. But nowhere on that 12-page description will you find "has self control." I don't know who let me bring that entire bag of candy into my room and left me to my lonesome, but they are the one I'm putting the blame on. What happened to those 19 5inch licorice sweets was gruesome. I devoured them mercilessly and didn't look back. For a moment there I thought I heard screams coming from the bag, for the previous victim's peers had seen their fate.

Well my gluttony finally caught up to me 3 episodes deep in my latest TV addiction.


As I attempted to break my lethargic streak and stand up to finally accomplish something for the day, all the sugar I had consumed Oregon trailed it straight to my recently numbed brain. I didn’t stand a chance.  The newly converted glucose began punching my optic chiasm. My eyes then refused anymore torture by rejecting horrific beams of light being emitted by my 30 watt in the far corner of the room.

And something that is not helping my head throbbing is Duffy performing her single “well well well” live on Jimbo Fal (Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. If you don’t watch it, start.)

Have I learned my lesson? Of course not! its candy. I will continue to ingest until there isn’t anything left and am scavenging my apartment for scraps that might have flown off my mouth in the recent massacres while carrying the extra 13 lb I have earned.

Life well spent.